long story short, that’s how i’ve been feeling this whole school year. i am angry. i am frustrated. and i am bitter. i am angry at people who don’t seem to understand the concept of a safe space, inclusive language, or even “subtle” queerphobic/heternormative/racist/sexist remarks. i am frustrated towards a community i associated with christ, sometimes my family, because of the ignorance and lack of responsibility to show love to people who aren’t part of the norm. and so i am bitter most of the time, honestly, because of how people fucking police others by reinforcing heteronormativity.
unrecognized privilege is terribly ugly. internalized oppression and racism is also as ugly.
after everything i’ve learned and experienced this year, i realize anger has overcome me and love barely make it out of me. its a really weird place to be at, especially living out what God’s love meant to me last year. im still sorting out these complexities, but here is one thing i believe: this anger doesn’t come from wordly concerns, as it bothers me spiritually seeing people ignore unique identities that God has blessed them with. that as political and historical an identity is, it is also spiritual. eg, critically examining our asian american identity within the context of activism and social justice, what does being an asian american mean in a white-societal mainstream christian space? what does a christ follower mean in an asian american performance-based culture? and what significance do these asian american christian fellowships have if asian american issues aren’t contextualized within these fellowships?
these are just thoughts i’ve discussed with a select few. im tired that they just remain thoughts and attempted actions.
im graduating in less than 10 weeks. every time someone asks me what im doing after college, i draw a blank - but i say the same answer as ive said to other people, “im taking a year or two off to study for gres, apply to grad school, and get a job.” but i am just as confused, clueless and helpless about the future as anyone can be.
this school year has been a hot mess of emotions in almost everything ive been involved in. while being a part of bridge has been gratifying, it’s also been stressful, frustrating, and discouraging. epic is likewise, but in a different way. and with all of these mixed emotions, i find myself alone processing things out without finding someone who isnt biased that can just hear me vent. i dont regret any of the things ive done thus far with bridge and epic; though i do question how ive come to where i am now, thats not too much of a concern. instead, loneliness has become a close friend that i anticipate especially after graduating from davis. i wont have this community readily available and accessible to me anymore. i wont have people to share my frustrations with about what im passionate for. i wont have friends who care what i care about. everything’s coming to a bittersweet ending and im doing my best to embrace everything, no matter how frustrating something is or if im alone in my beliefs to push for something. le sigh.
Asian-American identity was meant to be a means to an end rather than an end in itself. It was created as an organizing tool to mobilize Asians to participate in the progressive movements of the times. It was as much a mechanism to identify with one another as to identify with the struggles of others, whether it is African-Americans or Asians overseas, and [significantly] it was less a marker of what one was and more a marker of what one believed. That it has now become synonymous with “pride in one’s ethnic heritage” is a complete evisceration of what it was originally, and what it was meant to BE.
—
Chris Ijima
- tumbling as a note to myself…contemplating what, knowing this, one can infer about the state of APIA coalition now and if the term is still effectively useful/applicable?
is when one begins to move away from viewing themselves through the eyes of other people. this ability lies in direct opposition with just how inferior a person has been made to feel in their family, community, society, or lack thereof. it behooves those of us who can name this in our lives, to…
